My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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