take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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