I think I died a long time ago.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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