I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
