My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just cut my nipple shaving
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
