Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
