I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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