is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
