How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
being pregnant is like rehab
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Randomize
