You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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