If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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