Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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