i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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