Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
