im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
