thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
