I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
