If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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