I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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