A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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