Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Ketchup is God's man juice
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You are the jesus of drinking
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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