I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
