Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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