I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
