Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
