God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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