Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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