No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
