I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
