3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
