we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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