giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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