saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
