If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I forget how to act sober
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
