did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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