She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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