I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
