mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
