Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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