My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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