just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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