I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
