At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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