Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
