Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
