so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
