You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
