Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
