All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
