1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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