If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
