# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
