Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
