I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
