Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
