member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
