I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
