There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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