why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
