Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
