I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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