I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
